Winnie The Pooh And The Strip Club Too
by William H. Bonnie
Summary: Winnie the Pooh and friends go to the strip club for some fun.
1. Pre-Chapter

Based on the popular Rose 103 fanfics of a decade ago, I present to you, Winnie the Pooh And The Strip Club Too.

The following contains mature content. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Some Character Updates.

After being quite the young troublemaker as a youth, Roo has now reached his senior year. As he got older, he got more involved in sports, as a way to stay out of trouble. In the sixth grade, he discovered soccer, and stopped playing golf, to the chagrin of his father. Roo turned out to be quite a good soccer player on the field, and a great student off the field, posting a 3.7 GPA. He played soccer all throughout middle school and the first three years of high school. His team reached the regional championship a year ago, but his father Geoffrey insisted that Roo try out for football, after seeing him boot several 50 yard field goals with ease in the spring. of high school as a kicker/punter. The football team was supposed to be good this year, especially with coach Shawsey Sanders at the helm, which meant that Roo's services would be highly needed. Roo's father also was still hauling the mail as a high-powered attorney in the Detroit area.

Recently, they all moved out of the Hundred Acre Wood and into a really nice house in the suburbs of Detroit, close to Lake Michigan. Geoffrey's wife, Kanga, was still her crazy-ass self, trying out all these recipes and switching faiths like Taylor Swift switches boyfriends.

Tigger, at 35 years old, was even more a bum than usual. Even though he held an actual job (as a trash man), he still lived in an apartment in the old neighborhood. He still didn't have a girlfriend. As a matter of fact, as of this writing, he has still never had sex. He still smoked and still drank during his down time. His best friend, Randy Moss' cousin, eventually ended up going to jail for drug charges. Once he went to jail, he made the decision to get clean for the sake of his future, and once his sentence was complete, he moved out of state and cut off ties with bad influences such as Tigger.

Pooh, who still lived with Shawsey Sanders', this time, closer to the lake, was still his fat ass self. He had lost TWO pounds in ten years. (For him, that's a damn milestone.) He still didn't have a job, but unlike Eeyore and Tigger, he didn't drink alcohol. Instead he drowned his sorrows in Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper. Shawsey Sanders, as mentioned before, became the football coach for Roo's high school, hoping to lead the newly-formed school to the state championship.

Eeyore was still his bitchy and depressed self. He has tried to commit suicide multiple times, but was unsuccessful each time. He still complains and bitches about anything and everything under the sun, from politics to music. He upgraded his car though, to a 1991 Infiniti G20 (That Tigger paid for). And he has a job, also as a trash man.

Rabbit had recently come out of the closet as a gay man, and was focused on becoming a fashion designer in the future. He and his transgender boyfriend broke up, and now Rabbit lives in an apartment in one of the few nice areas of Detroit. He tried to be a model a few years ago, to no success. Speaking of transgenders...

Piglet was an heiress to the Von Schlemmer fortune, recently got surgery to transition from a female to a male. Why? No idea. But one time, Rabbit tried to hit on her (or him), but Piglet kicked his scrawny ass. Rabbit hasn't attempted to date anyone since, and Piglet remains single to this day. He is still rich though.

Christopher Robin, former main character, has dual citizenship with the United States and Great Britain and, although he still lives in the suburbs of Detroit, plays for the Columbus Crew, and is trying out to play soccer for the England national team in 2018. He has been happily married for two and a half years, and his wife is expecting a kid next winter. Due to his constant soccer travels, he rarely, if ever, interacts with the rest of his hometown pals.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Winnie the Pooh was sitting at home on Shawsey Sanders' couch, enjoying his favorite pastime, watching the Steve Wilkos Show and eating some Buffalo Wings with some french fries, chicken tenders, and a 3 liter of Fruit Punch. Sanders was not home at the moment, as he was coaching football practice. On TV, Steve was chewing out a man who refused to take a paternity test. Pooh was enjoying the show when he heard the doorbell.

"God damnit." muttered Pooh. "Who the hell is it?" he shouted.

"It's me, Tigger. I know you're there. Get your fat ass up and open the door." said Tigger.

"Fuck you. I'm not interested." replied Pooh, not even bothering to get off the couch.

"I have tickets to the strip club for a couple of friends for Friday night. You interested?" Tigger shouted through the door.

Suddenly, Pooh's ears (and penis) perked up. He had never been to a strip club before. Strip clubs had a lot of beautiful women. But this was Tigger. The last time Tigger invited him to a strip club, half the girls were strung out on drugs, and the other half were very terrible at their jobs. Tigger had to be full of shit.

"What the hell kind of strip club is it? The crack house?" called out Pooh from the couch.

"Heavens, no. It's one of the best party spots in town. You'll like it. It's called the Shoreline Gentlemen's Club."

Pooh's ears perked up higher. The Shoreline was the hottest strip club in town and had recently opened. Word on the street is that the hottest women in the state danced at that club. It was so popular, athletes from the Detroit Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, Lions, the Michigan Wolverines football team, hell, even the governor of Michigan, a one-time presidential nominee had stopped up there. And it would be a very popular spot for the upcoming Republican National Convention in two weeks. Anyone who was anyone went to the club.

"Hold on a second." Pooh sloppily dropped his food on the floor and went to the door to get Tigger.

"What up fat ass?" asked Tigger, as Pooh opened the door.

"Same old bullshit, homie. So what's the deal about this strip club shit? Who did you steal the tickets from?" inquired Pooh mysteriously with arms folded.

"Nobody, man. My manager just gave them to me." he replied.

Pooh frowned. "Seriously, dude. Cut the bullshit. Who the fuck did you steal them from?" asked Pooh again.

"Nobody. I'm dead serious. He just gave them to me."

"Whatever, man." Pooh looked at the tickets and the date on them was Friday night. "Isn't that night Roo's football game? You know Shawsey's gonna be all up my ass begging me to go to this dude's game."

"We're going AFTER the game. So, what do you say, buddy bear?" asked Tigger.

Pooh, despite being a bear of very little brain, could not turn down the chance to see some titties. "You bet your ass I'm down."

"So I'll see you at seven?" said Tigger.

"Yeah. Now get the fuck out of my house. You're making me miss Steve Wilkos." said Pooh, waving Tigger away.

Tigger couldn't wait to tell Eeyore the good news. He drove his old Oldsmobile to Eeyore's place, then knocked on the door.

Eeyore pulled up his pants and rushed towards the door. "Oh, it's you." he said disappointingly.

"Eeyore, guess who got strip club tickets for tonight?" said Tigger bouncing up and down on his feet.

Eeyore stared at him glumly, then proceeded to close the door. Tigger blocked the door with his foot and showed him the tickets.

"Are these real tickets?" asked Eeyore.

"Yeah. You down?" said Tigger.

"Who did you bum these off of?"

"Nobody. My boss gave them to me."

"Seriously. Who did you take them from?"

"Like I said, my boss gave them to me. Are you down or not?" replied Tigger.

Eeyore looked at him rather skeptically, and rightfully so. Tigger had been arrested at least five or six times for theft and didn't know whether or not to trust him.

"You're not gonna try to kill me and leave my body by the side of the road, are you?"

"No! I'm inviting you to look at some titties."

"But I have some on my computer." Eeyore pointed to his computer, which had at least ten tabs of porn on it.

"You can look at porn anytime. I'm taking you to see real, live titties. This is the best strip club in town." said Tigger.

"Can I jack off first?" asked Eeyore.

"You can do that later, man. We're going to Roo's game, then the strip club after."

"How long will that take?" asked Eeyore.

"About three hours."

"You want me to wait three hours to sit at this little shit's football game?" Eeyore shouted.

"That "little shit" might be playing football for Ohio State. Show some respect." said Tigger with his arms folded.

"Sure! He's gonna go play for the NFL and get to fuck every single woman that throws the pussy at him while I'm stuck in this damn trailer and have to jack off to porn. He's gonna forget about us, just like Christopher Robin. NO RESPECT!" Eeyore goes for his Jack Daniels, then Tigger smacks him in the face.

"Dude. Calm down. Breathe." he says, grabbing Eeyore by the shoulders.

"I'll be ready in five minutes." replies Eeyore. Tigger nods his head and walks to his car. The two animals drive off to the high school for that night's game.


	3. Chapter 2

Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore set off on the way to the strip club eager to look at some booty that they could never get in real life. Tigger turned on the radio blasting one of the worst rap songs ever recorded by a human being. After about 10 or so miles, with not a lot of traffic the gang finally arrived. The valet man that saw their car looked at the crew in disgust.

"The hooker convention is that way." He said, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Um, no. We're not headed there this week. We're actually going to the strip club." replied Tigger.

"Good luck getting in." said the valet man, doubling over laughing at them as they drove off. Tigger ignored the laughter and looked for a parking spot. One just happened to open up behind the club, and Tigger parked the Volvo. The crew then got out of the car, excited for what was to come for them. Tigger decided unsuccessfully to try to flirt with a group of girls that were standing outside of the club.

"Hey ladies, how ya doin' tonight?" Tigger asked slyly.

"Fuck off, weirdo." replied one of the chicks, giving him a middle finger.

"Huh. Guess the new wardrobe isn't working." said Tigger, looking down at his Detroit Pistons Allen Iverson jersey and pair of jeans, complete with Detroit Tigers baseball hat and eyeglasses. Pooh and Eeyore straggled in behind, not saying anything.

"Let me do the talking." said Tigger, putting on his wannabe-Goldie Mack impersonation for the bouncer.

"I told you not to trust this wannabe rapper ass-clown." muttered Pooh.

"Shut up, just shut up." said Eeyore back.

"Excuse me sir." he said to the bouncer. "I have some strip club tickets for this establishment." The bouncer looked at the tickets to verify their authentication.

"Do you gentlemen have ID?" he asked. Pooh his out of his fur, and Eeyore pulled his out as well. The bouncer looked at their IDs, and let them into the club.

It was like no typical strip club. It was like a Chuck-E-Cheese for adults. There was a stage were several scantily-clad performers were, bumping and grinding on each other. One waitress walked past Tigger and rolled her eyes. The group then found an empty table that was just vacated by the group before it and proceeded to sit down.

"So, what do you think? Eh? Eh?" asked Tigger. He then turned around and looked at a stripper's wide booty. "My, my, my, my. She sure looks good tonight."

Eeyore and Pooh were busy taking in the environment before them. Pooh had never seen the inside of a strip club as nice as this before, except on television. Eeyore was in awe, nearly breaking his neck at all the beautiful women that walked by. Then, Pooh broke the silence.

"I'm hungry." said Pooh. "Do they got anything good to eat here?"

"Yes. Only the best food for the best of appetites." said Tigger. The group proceeded to look at the menus in front of them.

Roo's House

Roo drove up to his house, exhausted from the night's game. The team had gotten their asses whooped, and to top it all off, Tigger, Pooh, and Eeyore had to show their useless faces. Roo walked up to the door, opened it, then proceeded upstairs past his mother who was busy singing some holistic song. He then went back to his room, shaking his head, and proceeded to turn on the TV to watch the football game between Hawaii and California.

Roo was excited to graduate at the end of next year and get the hell away from his family, who had gotten more and more insane by the year. His father was putting pressure on him to go to Ohio State, yet his mom wanted him to go to Michigan (even though she herself went to Wayne State).

Back At The Strip Club

"So, guys, are you ready for some fun?" said Tigger.

"Can we grab them?" asked Eeyore.

"No, silly. We have to let them approach us." he replied. Ten minutes passed. Then another ten. The strippers walked straight past their table. Pooh gave Tigger a dead-eyed look.

"Do you have any money, you bum?" he asked.

"I have...hold on a minute..." said Tigger, rifling through his pockets. "Uh...let me go to the car real quick."

"Oh no..." said Pooh facepalming. As Tigger went back to his car. "This bum invited us to a strip club and he doesn't even have any money?"

"You know they say never trust a dumbass." replied Eeyore. He then tried to grab a blonde girl by the ass, and she slapped him hard across the face.

"Nice going, Goldie Mack." mutters Pooh.

"You see, this is reason #78,457 why I stay at home and watch porn." said Eeyore. "I don't get slapped by the performers."

The two stared each other down until one of the beautiful women wearing an all-lace outfit walked up to Tigger and started stroking his arm up and down.

"Hey pretty boy," she said coyly, looking him up and down. "Would you like a dance?"

"Sure. Don't mind if I do." replied Tigger. "How much are the dance prices?"

Pooh facepalms, muttering under his breath.

"$20 for a public dance, and $40 for a private dance." says the brunette.

"Hmm...is that right?" Tigger growls seductively.

A group of college-age kids sitting at the table next to theirs snickers at the group. Pooh discreetly flips off one of the kids.

Tigger fumbles around for his wallet. Pooh puts his hand on his chin, glaring at Tigger. This was not going well at all.

"Let me get back to you okay?" said Tigger.

The waitress rolls her eyes, and moves on to the next table. She then proceeds to climb into the lap of a blonde haired college kid wearing a Michigan State hoodie and baseball cap, slowly grinding on him and fondling his hair, as his buddies applaud.

"Great, now we have to see this chick grinding on a white guy who looks better than I do." mutters Eeyore. "Is this what I came for? To see that heathen grinding on some weird guy and not a gentleman like me?"

"Eeyore, chill, man. Now is not the time and place." says Pooh. "Let's see what they got here. Hopefully the food is good..."

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 3

When we last left our degenerates, Eeyore was slapped by a stripper. Pooh had to calm him down, and once they were settled in, they ordered some food. Pooh ordered the usual some chicken wings with french fries (with blue cheese on the side), and a Sprite. Eeyore ordered a double bacon cheeseburger with french fries, and Tigger ordered just fries, like the cheap joker that he is.

While the guys were making small talk amongst themselves, and unsuccessfully trying to flirt with the strippers that walked by their tables in order to entertain other patrons, everyone turned towards the door. A couple of the Detroit Pistons draft picks had entered the club with their posse, the first being the UCLA guard and his father that everyone was talking about and the second was a 7' center coming from Serbia.

"Hey is that-"

"Yeah, that's him. It's a shame that the Lakers didn't draft him, but I hope he enjoys Michigan's crappy weather for the next few years of his young life." said Eeyore.

"You know they didn't draft him because his dad is a loudmouth shit-talker, right?" said Pooh.

"They say father knows best." replied Eeyore.

"Actually the term is mother knows best." said Pooh back.

"I wasn't talking about his mom, I was talking about his dad. Like I said before, his dad knows something we don't. I wish I had a dad." said Eeyore. "Maybe I would have lost my virginity!"

Two of the tables turn and look at Eeyore awkwardly, with a couple of the college kids at the table on their right making snide comments.

"You wanted to lose your virginity to your dad?" said the blonde-haired Michigan State hat wearing college kid. "Man, you must really suck at life." he added, snickering.

"First of all, I wasn't talking to you dipshits." said Eeyore.

"It's okay, they're white trash. That kind of behavior is normal where they're from." said the Michigan State guy's friend.

"Who are you calling white trash with your blonde hair, and, and perfect skin-" Eeyore's voice began to trail off.

"Whoa, whoa, guy, are you trying to hit on me?" replied his friend.

"Eeyore, Eeyore. Calm your ass down." said Pooh, intervening before things were going to escalate. Eeyore turned away, giving the middle finger to the group.

Like most young NBA stars, the posse got the best seats, closest to the stage. No sooner did they sit down, that a sexy dark haired woman immediately climbed into the UCLA star's lap, doing a slow and sensual grind for him. The other patrons were hooting and hollering, some taking out their smartphones, eager to upload the videos to social media, and the star was lapping up all the attention.

Meanwhile, back at his house, Roo continued to sit bored as all hell at his house, watching the game wind down to its final minutes with California having all but sealed victory. He was about to turn off the TV and go to sleep until he got a text from his friend.

"Strip club tonite. U down?" asked Calvin Johnson's nephew, the team's star running back.

"Where at?" Roo asked.

"Downtown. The one that just opened up." he replied.

"I'm bored as hell. Down for anything." said Roo.

Roo then turned off the TV, and opened the door and was surprised to see the house completely dark. Apparently his mother fell asleep early after performing one of her many nutty rituals. Roo threw some clothes on, took the keys to his mother's SUV, and drove off to meet his friend, who lived ten minutes away.

Meanwhile, at the strip club, things were getting no better for the gang of three. Eeyore had gotten slapped by ANOTHER stripper, this one a young woman with black hair. Eeyore got pissed and threatened to fight her before security intervened. It took a lot of negotiation, but Eeyore was allowed to stay. A security guard remained close, however.

Pooh was having a good time, simply because of the food, but even he started to resent the dancers for walking by and providing their services to the other patrons around them, without even bothering to ask them if they even wanted a glass of water. He was especially pissed off at Tigger, because he felt that he had been duped for what seemed like the millionth time.

He never really trusted Tigger to begin with, with his history of sketchy behavior, but he trusted Tigger this one time, especially when it came to beautiful women. He thought that Tigger would actually come through. Speaking of Tigger...

Tigger had to step out and go to the ATM, where he found a decently dressed prostitute that just happened to be outside the club. She had the hots for him, one thing led to another, or at least it was GOING to, before Tigger finished early. The prostitute put her clothes on and got out of the car, fuming and muttering under her breath. Tigger had to fumble around for a spare napkin that was nestled among the mess in his car to clean himself up.

Tigger then got out of his car and walked back in the club (How he even got IN in the first place is anyone's guess). What he didn't know is that Roo (who was incognito, wearing a pair of shades and a Lions hat) was trying to make his way into the club, along with one buddy named Travis, one of the few white running backs in the area, and Calvin Johnson's nephew.

They used fake IDs to get in the club and went to look for seats. They found a table that was close to the main stage, but little did they know, it was close by Tigger, Pooh, and Eeyore. Roo kept his shades on, hoping to be incognito. Eeyore then pointed out to Pooh that he thought he saw Roo, but Pooh was not paying attention to him at all. Another stripper walked past, and Eeyore turned his neck but the burly security guard warned him not to get any closer.

Tigger eventually emerged and was making his way back to the seat when he saw someone similar.

"Hey!" he called out over the eardrum-splitting music. One of the guys turned around, and both locked eyes.

What happens next?

To be continued...


End file.
